Mulligans

Rick Reilly has some ideas about how to get the Americans back in the Ryder Cup:

Jack Nicklaus, do you care about golf?

If you do, hear my plea: You saved the Ryder Cup once. We need you to save it again.

Almost 30 years ago, when the U.S. was winning all the time, you went to Ryder Cup officials and begged them to add the rest of Europe to the Great Britain and Ireland team. You said if they didn't, the Cup might die of one-sided boredom. They listened, and it became a thrilling event.

Uh, Jack? It isn't thrilling anymore. It's as one-sided as a hanging. These guys couldn't win Big Break IX. The Euros fricasseed us again, last weekend at the K Club in Ireland, 18 1/2-9 1/2, which is exactly how badly they fricasseed us last time. Europe has won five of the last six Cups, and the one U.S. win was the Miracle in Bad Shirts at Brookline in 1999.

We lose with knucklehead captains (Hal Sutton) and organized ones (Tom Lehman). We lose as favorites (2002 and '04) and underdogs (this year). We lose with Tiger not into it (1997, 2002, '04) and Tiger not into it ('06). At this point, choosing the American team is like picking towel colors on the Hindenburg.

It's getting so bad, even the Euros are a little embarrassed about it. An hour after the outcome had been decided on Sunday, their captain, Ian (Boozy Woozy) Woosnam, still didn't have a drink in his hand.

So, Jack, it's time to come to the aid of your country again. All you have to do is go to the Ryder Cup honchos and demand the following rule changes.

• Give us reinforcements. They did it for Europe. They can do it for us. Numberswise, we're the trailer and they're the tornado. Europe's population is 728 million. Ours is 300 million. That's 428 million more people they get to choose from. "We could've had two teams up here," Colin Montgomerie said at the winner's press conference. That's not right. We need a get-even. Tell them we'll take:

a. South Africa (47 million). That nets us Ernie Els and Retief Goosen.

b. Canada (33 million). That gives us Mike Weir.

c. Australia (21 million). We'll take Adam Scott and Geoff Ogilvy. Hell, we'll take any Ogilvy.

d. Fiji (one million). Screw team chemistry, give us Vijay.

• Institute a draft. When the Houston Texans are horrible, they get the first pick in the next draft. O.K., with our No. 1, we'll take Sergio García.

• We want mulligans. Not on shots, on players. From now on, our captain gets to swap a guy out halfway through if he's stinking up the joint like garlic-scented Glade. Last week it would've been a tough choice: Phil Mickelson (zero wins, four losses, one tie)? Chris DiMarco (0-3-1)? Or Stevie Williams, Woods's caddie (one dropped nine-iron on Sunday, into the deep pond on number 7 and not recovered until a diver fished it out when Tiger was on number 15)? You know it's over when your caddies start drowning clubs.

• No more folderol. Opening ceremonies, closing ceremonies, galas, mixed-team dinners? What is this, the Oscars? You think Tiger wants to sit through a two-hour ceremony while the mayor's daughter sings And They Called It Ireland? Send him the video.

• Cancel the hotel reservations. One reason Americans do so badly in this thing is that they get thrown out of their routines. The Europeans may have better chemistry because they all stay in the same hotels on their tour, but we don't. American golfers are like mini corporations. Their "team" is their jet, wife, two nannies, agent, sports psychologist, swing coach and Pilates instructor. They rent 10,000-square-foot homes, not hotel rooms. So they don't want to play Foosball with the gang at 3 a.m. Get over it.

• No more uniforms. Our guys love their endorsements. They need their endorsements. Without all those patches on their shirts, maybe our guys feel like they're swinging in a Donna Karan blouse. So no more matching everybody up in the Sears Johnny Miller collection.

• Pay 'em. The Ryder Cup is a cash machine for the networks, the PGA of America, the European tour, the concessionaires, the host club -- everybody. The reason the tournament went to the K Club is because it was payback to the owner from the European tour. The only people not cashing in are the only people that matter -- the players. One catch: Make it winner-take-all. Let's see if the boys get into it then.

After the matches on Sunday, with the victors gathered on the balcony of the clubhouse, thousands of giddy and drunken European fans gathered below and serenaded their heroes with Cockles and Mussels ... "Alive, alive, ohhh-ohhh."

But if something doesn't change soon, Jack, this thing is dead.

Issue date: October 2, 2006